


just wanna see you smile again

by RENielsen



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Eating Disorder, Fluff, Happy Ending, M/M, Self Harm, Strangers to Lovers, Suicide Attempt, suicidal character, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-04
Updated: 2018-11-04
Packaged: 2019-08-18 18:30:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16522400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RENielsen/pseuds/RENielsen
Summary: Needed.Cared for.Brave.Inspiring.Loveable.Louis writes the words on his own skin. Keeps them for Niall, until the boy can have them on his own.or Louis starts carrying a pen everywhere after meeting Niall





	just wanna see you smile again

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: this deals with heavy themes with a suicidal character. Please do read the tags for the fic. There isn't explicitly written about suicide attempts nor self-harm in action, but the fic does deal with the aftermath of both told from another character's point of view with a bit of detail. This will, however, have a happy ending.  
> Please do NOT read this if there's any risk of this triggering you in any way. Always take care of yourself first. That's the most important thing.

Louis is humming along to the song playing in the earbud he’s got in one ear. He’s got his schoolbag hung over one shoulder, as he came here right after the last class of the day was over. He promised his mum to pick her up after school, as she’s had a sixteen-hour shift at the hospital and didn’t feel it would be safe to drive home on her own.

While she won’t be off for another fifteen minutes, then Louis wouldn’t have been able to get home first before getting here. It doesn’t matter either, because Louis doesn’t mind having to wait all that much. He knows almost all the nurses, and there’s almost always someone who’s willing and have the time to entertain him for a few minutes. Or at least doesn’t mind when having him doodling on a piece of paper in the nurses’ office while he waits.

He never gets as far as the nurses’ office, before he’s distracted. A low sobbing sound, that’s absolutely heart wrecking, reaches his ear. He pulls out the earbud just to be sure he wasn’t mistaken. Now, it isn’t unusual to hear people crying in a hospital. Louis knows this, just as well as he knows that he isn’t supposed to be disturbing people if they’re grieving.

Still, though, there’s just something about the crying that makes Louis unable to continue without making sure the person behind it is okay.

He easily finds the room where the sound comes from. Standing on his tiptoes, Louis can look through the glass in the door. The room is empty besides the body curled into a ball in the hospital bed.  Unable to stop himself, and just move on as he should, Louis instead softly knocks on the door before entering.

The person on the bed stops crying immediately, and their whole body freezes for just a second. Then they move, and Louis gets a glimpse of red-rimmed eyes, eyes as blue as the summer sky. Louis has never seen anyone look as distressed as the boy in front of him. Exhaustion reeks from him, bags under his eyes, hair standing to all sides. His skin partly pale and partly blotchy red. Tears making his cheeks wet. Eyes sunken in, dull as anything Louis has seen before. He’s skinny in a way that can’t possibly be healthy. Louis tries not to dwell on the bandages covering the lad’s arms.

None of them says anything. The lad just stares at Louis, unfocused but at the same time with sharp eyes. Louis doesn’t know what to do. He shouldn’t be in here. He wants to help the lad, though, more than anything else. The thing is, that he just doesn’t know how he possibly could.

Louis startles when a loud noise reaches his ears, and he fumbles through his pockets when he realises that it’s his phone. A text from his mum, saying that she’ll run maybe ten to fifteen minutes late. Alright then.

“I don’t know you. You aren’t supposed to be in here,” the boy says flatly. Louis notices a washed-out accent in his voice, like he isn’t from here, but has been in the country for a long while.

“You okay?” Louis just asks, ignoring what the boy said. The eyeroll it gets him, kinda says it all. Louis supposes that it probably was a stupid question everything considered, so maybe he deserves an eyeroll. “I’m Louis,” he ends up offering when the boy doesn’t say anything.

“What do you want, _Lewis?_ ” Caution, but also the slightest bit of curiosity, is clear to spot in the boy’s voice. Louis wants to know why. Wants to know anything and everything the boy could possibly offer him. He isn’t sure anything is on the table at all.

Louis just shrugs slightly instead of answering. He closes the door behind him and moves closer into the room. He’s about to move the chair by the window closer to the bed, but the boy moves in the bed. He sits up with his legs curled into his body, and his arms carefully keeping them there. Louis takes the invitation and sits down at the end of the bed.

The boy subtly tries to dry off the tears on his cheeks, and Louis pretends not to notice. He looks around Louis’ age, but he must either be a bit younger or go to another school, because Louis can’t remember seeing him around before. A shame really, because the boy is absolutely stunning, even with exhaustion and distress covering his every feature, and his small body that shouldn’t be that skinny. Even with the bandages, that obviously hides away wounds. Wounds, Louis suspects, are the reason the boy is here in the first place.

His heart bleeds for the boy. There must be so much sadness and suffering inside him, for him to do something like that to himself. Louis wants for nothing, but the boy filled with joy and laughter. For him to be the happiest person in the world.

“I want you to have something to smile about,” Louis says, voice quiet. Unsure about how the boy will react.

The boy doesn’t say anything but just looks at Louis with serious eyes, hesitant as anything. He doesn’t look like he believes Louis can do anything that would make that possible. What could possibly have hurt this boy so much?

He scrambles to get his backpack off, and rummages through the bag until he finds a loose pen on the bottom of it. Slowly he reaches out for the boy’s hand. It feels like a win when he doesn’t flinch as Louis touches him. His fingers are gentle, and he doesn’t go near the bandages in fear of harming the lad. Instead, he turns the hand, so the palm is up, and with the pen he writes a single word. _Remarkable._

“I don’t know why you’re here. I don’t know what hurt you, or why you felt that this,” Louis points to the bandages, “was the only solution to it. What I do know is that the world would be at a loss if you weren’t in it.”

“No one would care. Not really,” he mutters in return. His eyes are locked at the word written on his hand. Louis wishes that the boy would look at him instead.

“I would. Don’t even know your bloody name, but fuck if it wouldn’t break my heart to hear that you killed yourself.” Louis squeezes his hand gently, and notices for the first time just how cold his fingers are. Almost icy.

A text beeps in, and Louis lets go of the boy’s hand in order to check the phone just to see that his mum is waiting for him. “I have to go,” he says.

“Okay,” the boy just says, looking like he doesn’t care. If Louis isn’t mistaken there’s just the slightest disappointment to be heard in his voice. Louis hesitates as he gets up. It doesn’t feel right to just leave him like this. Not when he isn’t sure that he’s going to be okay. More than anything then Louis just wants him to be okay.

He finally does get up. Knows that his mum will ask too many questions if he keeps her waiting. Questions Louis can’t really answer since she’ll just scold him for disturbing the patients if he told her what he’s been doing. So, he gets up, and he walks towards the door, even though he just wants to stay right here.

“It’s Niall,” the boy calls after him, as he reaches the door. Louis turns slowly, and the boy continues a little quieter. “My name, that’s it. In case you wanted to know.”

Louis sends him a smile, and though a bit wonky, then the boy still returns it after a second. “Keep shining bright, Niall. Take care of yourself, okay?”

He doesn’t get an answer, but he didn’t expect to either. Not really. He just hopes that the boy finds something to smile about. Something to live for.

¤¤¤

“…ey. Lou. Tommo. LOUIS!” Louis jerks his head up and glares at Liam who’s caught up with him on the way to his locker. He just needs to get rid of these books, so he can leave this place already. He should be going home, but Niall’s been on his mind all day, and he kinda feel like he has to check up on the boy. Make sure that he’s okay.

“What?!”

“You okay?” Liam asks, eyes filling with concern. Louis just nods, and though looking doubtful then Liam doesn’t push it. “Wanna come to mine? Haz has a shift at the bakery, but he’d come over later. Said he had found a new movie we just had to watch. We could play around with the song you’ve been working on until he gets there.”

“Sounds awesome, Li, but not today yeah?”

Louis could easily stick him a lie. Could say he has to pick up his mum, or that he promised to look after his sisters. That’s just not how it works between them, though. Louis doesn’t have to lie, for Liam to get the hint. Liam’s patient too. Knows when to leave Louis alone, and when to push him. Not today means that Louis still needs to sort out his thoughts, and that he needs to do it on his own.

“Okay. You know where to find me if you need anything. Anything at all, Lou, alright?”

“Yeah alright,” Louis agrees. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay? Tell Haz that if you watch that movie without me, then I’m gonna force you to watch it again. Movies alone are boring.”

“Will do!” Liam laughs and salutes him. Louis just smiles fondly and shakes his head.

They part ways outside the school. Usually, they’re able to walk most of the way home together, but the hospital is in the opposite direction. Liam pulls him in for a hug, and waves at him as he leaves.

Louis pulls out his headphones, and connects them to the phone while opening Spotify. He’s got his library playing on shuffle in no time and hums along as he walks. It doesn’t take long to walk from the school to the hospital. Just around ten minutes, and then he’s there.

While Louis’ mum isn’t in yet today, as she’s got the evening shift, then he’s still careful as he walks through the wings of the hospital. That’s the bad thing about most of the staff knowing who he is. They also know when he isn’t supposed to be there. He’d rather not have too many questions asked, as to why he’s here. He can’t even lie and say he’s visiting a friend, because his mum would certainly end up knowing, and Louis wouldn’t be able to keep up the lie in front of his mum. So, he skips out of the way every time he sees someone he knows.

Even with the added challenge of getting there unnoticed, it doesn’t take long to find his way back to Niall’s room. He doesn’t remember looking for the exact room number, but with a bit of tiptoeing and sneaking glances into a couple of rooms, he finally finds the right one.

Niall’s sitting curled up in a chair by the window today. He’s still alone in the room, and Louis can’t help but frown. Where’s his family? Why isn’t there anyone there for him, when he obviously needs there to be?

Louis knocks on the door, polite as anything, and Niall startles in the chair. He’s turned around facing Louis, by the time Louis enters the room.

“Hello!” Louis singsongs, putting on his best happy-face.

Niall settles back into the chair, body relaxing once he sees it’s just Louis. “You again,” he says flatly. He doesn’t even give Louis the smallest bit of a smile. A bad day it seems. His own smile dims a bit, but he tries not to let it deter him.

“How’re we doing today?” Louis asks, putting down his bag on the floor by the door. His jacket falls on top of it, and Louis checks yet again that he’s got the pen in his pocket. He then drags the second chair over to the window and sits down.

“Depressed just like yesterday, and the day before that.”

Louis catches his eyes. There’s something daring in there like Niall is just waiting for him to say the wrong thing, or to brush away his words.

“That’s alright too, you know? Not being okay. That doesn’t make you any less worth it. Maybe today isn’t the day for a smile, but that doesn’t mean that tomorrow couldn’t be.”

“And what if tomorrow isn’t the day either. What if the day never comes?” Niall asks. He’s not looking at Louis, but instead out of the window like he’d been doing before Louis got there.

Louis doesn’t rush coming with an answer, and Niall doesn’t push for one. Instead, they just watch how car after car drives by. Some to go home to their family, some to meet up with friends. All with their own agenda for the day. Louis can’t help but once again wonder why no one’s most important thing to do today is to be with the boy who doesn’t believe another day is worth living.

“I don’t know,” he says eventually. “I won’t promise you that of course that day will come. That you don’t have to worry about it, because I don’t know. What I will promise you, though, is that I’ll be here if you need me to be. You don’t have to figure it all out on your own.”

“You don’t even know me,” Niall whispers, glancing down at his hands. He starts picking at the bandages, so Louis reaches out and takes his hand carefully.

He turns the hand around, palm up, and sees how the word he wrote there yesterday has faded. It’s there, but barely. With his free hand, he finds the pen in his pocket. _Wanted,_ he writes with crooked letters covering the remaining of yesterday’s word.

Niall doesn’t try to pull back his hand to look at what Louis wrote, so Louis just keeps holding his hand in his own. Smiles a little when Niall’s cold fingers warm up a little for every second passing.

Usually, Louis isn’t good with silence. He comes from a big family where there’s always noise, and where everyone always yells a little louder than the person before to be sure to get heard. Usually, he needs something to happen all the time. He finds that he doesn’t mind the quiet with Niall. He dwells in it, cherish every second in Niall’s company. All he wants to do is put his arms around the boy and never let go.

In the end, it’s Niall who ends up breaking the silence. “The nurse is going to be here soon.” Louis just hums as a reply. Gives Niall the chance to continue if he wants to but doesn’t push in case he doesn’t. “They check in on me regularly.” Again, Louis just hums, and Niall seems to relax when he doesn’t say anything.

Niall turns out to be right. A couple of minutes later, a nurse comes into the room.

“Niall darling, you’ve got company I see?” The woman sends Louis a sharp glance, recognising him immediately. Louis winces slightly. He knew the likeliness of it being someone he knew was quite big, but he’d still hoped that it wouldn’t be.

“Gabby,” Niall greets with a tired and forced smile. “This is Louis.” He waves with his free hand towards Louis like it wasn’t obvious already. Louis finds that so freaking adorable.

“Not bothering you, is he?” she checks in. Niall shrugs, but then when she looks about ready to throw Louis out of the room, Niall seems to make a decision and shakes his head. It makes Gabby relax, though she still sends Louis a look that definitely says that his mum will hear about this. Oh well.

“Can you tell me how you’re doing?” she asks. She gets closer to the two of them and starts checking Niall over. Louis lets go of his hand to make it easier.

“I’m fine,” Niall mutters but winces when Gabby lightly let her fingers run over the bandages. She raises her eyebrows, and Niall surrenders. “The painkillers might not work all that well anymore. Kinda feel like shite up here too,” he says, pointing to his head.

Gabby nods, and asks, “Have you eaten anything? Been drinking lots of water?” Niall looks down and won’t meet her glance. “We’ve talked about this, Niall. It’s by far preferred if you do so on your own. Your body needs something to work with. Especially now that it’s healing.”

“I’ll eat,” he says, but it sounds fake and forced.

“I’ll take him down to the cafeteria,” Louis offers timidly. For the first time, Gabby actually looks kinda grateful that he’s there. Niall, on the other hand, looks like he wants to kill Louis.

“You boys do that. But first, I need you to take these,” Gabby says, holding out a couple of small pills for Niall.

For a second, Niall just stares at the pills, but then he takes them and swallows them down. Gabby makes him open his mouth to check afterwards, but the pills are gone. Louis is relieved that the boy didn’t fight it. After reminding Niall to call if he needs anything, and once again reprimanding him about eating, Gabby leaves them alone.

It takes a bit of coaxing, but eventually, Louis convinces Niall to come with him down to the cafeteria. Niall looks almost sick when Louis puts down a tray of food in front of him, but instead of forcing food into his mouth, Louis just takes one of the sandwiches and laughs his way through the meal. He tells Niall stories about his family and all the stupid things he, Haz and Li have been up to. He complains about homework and teachers, and how he can’t wait to finally leave school. He wants to make music, write songs for the biggest artists out there. Niall almost chokes when Louis tells him about the latest song he’s been working on.

“You’re writing a song about _morning wood?!”_ he says in disbelief, but he also can’t hide the laugh in his voice or the smile on his face. Louis takes it as a win.

“I’d let you know it’s got great potential. You won’t be so cocky when that song becomes top charting,” Louis pouts. Or tries to more like. He’s beaming so brightly that it’s hard to keep the pout on his face.

“I’ve heard worse music on the charts. Why not add a song about morning wood?” Niall grins.

He’s worked up a blush on his otherwise sickly pale skin, eyes seeming a bit more alive when Niall smiles. Louis could fall in love with that smile. He could spend hours watching it, without ever getting bored. He knows though, that it won’t be that easy. This isn’t some fairy tale, where the hero swoops in and saves the day and everything is good afterwards. Just because he’s got Niall laughing and smiling right now, doesn’t mean that it’ll always be this easy.

“You done?” he asks, nodding towards the food. Niall’s barely touched it. From what Louis had gathered then the boy had eaten half a sandwich and a couple of chips. Niall looks at him through his lashes, and then down at the food. His smile dimmers immediately.

“I…” he chokes out.

Louis grabs his hand over the table. With a small smile he says, “How about three chips more, and then we can go. Baby steps, yeah?”

Niall nods and forces himself to eat three chips more. After that, they walk back to Niall’s room together. Hand in hand, because Louis has found that he really enjoys having Niall’s hand in his own.

“They’re gonna force feed me with a tube,” Niall says quietly. Louis turns his head sharply. He’s not really shocked by the words, because Niall is too skinny for his own good, and he doesn’t eat anywhere near enough on his own. It still hurts hearing. “Pump my body full of calories and make me fatter.”

Louis stops and forces Niall to do so too. He scrambles for the pen in his pocket. With gentle fingers, he touches Niall’s cheek and moves his head for his liking. With a shaky hand, he writes a single word on Niall’s cheek. Niall’s eyes flutter shut when he feels the pen against his skin. Louis wants to kiss him right at that moment. Instead, he lets their foreheads rest against each other. With his thumb he traces the word he just wrote.

“Beautiful,” he murmurs. Niall doesn’t open his eyes, but that’s okay too. As long as he listens.

He looks drained for energy, and eventually, Louis pulls him along. Back to the hospital room, so Niall can get some rest. He helps Niall under the covers of the bed, taps the word on his hand, before whispering, “I’ll be back tomorrow. You won’t have to be alone. Okay?”

“Okay,” Niall agrees, sleepily. Louis sits on the edge of the bed, fingers intertwined with Niall’s until Niall falls asleep. And then for a while after that, just to watch how peaceful the boy looks in his sleep. Eventually, he slips out of the room.

¤¤¤

On Thursday Niall smiles when Louis slips into his room after school. With his pen, he writes _cute_ with big letters on his collarbone. The blush on Niall’s cheeks is breath-taking.

Friday Louis gets yelled at for disturbing a patient, though afterwards his mum pulls him in for a hug and whispers into his ear that she’s proud of him. She picks him up after school and drives him to the hospital as she’s got to work anyway. That day he can’t coax Niall out of bed, so instead, he snuggles into his side, and they nap together until late evening when his mum wakes him up with a hushed voice. Before he leaves he writes _soft_ on his wrist right before the bandage begins.

He gets there early Saturday, but Niall doesn’t say a single word to him all morning. He first does later, when Louis still hasn’t given up. “Go home, Louis,” he says, and the words crack a little as he says them. He won’t let Louis write anything before he leaves. It crushes him more than he’d ever admit to anyone.

He understands when he gets there the next day. A tube is attached to Niall. The first thing Louis does is to write _recovering_ on the back of his hand where Niall can easily see. Niall cries then, clinging to Louis until exhaustion takes over and he falls asleep.

The sun captures Niall’s body, as Louis enters the room. _Bright._

Niall’s not in his room when Louis gets there. He finds him in the kids’ wing, helping a little girl look for her teddy bear. _Kind._

 _Coy,_ he writes after Niall had bitten his lip and shyly looked at him through his lashes. It sends the boy into a fit of laughter. Afterwards, he looks at the word and shakes his head, but he looks kinda fond, and Louis can help himself, so he writes yet another word. _Warm._

Louis is grumbling over homework, biting the pencil as he tries to work out the math problem. It makes no sense at all to him. Niall steals his pencil and writes the whole equation down and puts two lines under the answer. _Smart_ stands with big letters on Niall’s forehead afterwards.

¤¤¤

Louis’ world crumbles underneath him when his mum meets him by the entrance of the hospital one day. Three deep new wounds on each arm added to the mess of already healing ones. Had banged his head into a wall repeatedly until a nurse had heard and came to stop him before he knocked himself out. Back on constantly being watched for signs of wanting to hurt himself.

“I’m not sure you should be here today, Lou,” she says as gently as possible.

“No! No, I can’t leave. He needs me, mum,” Louis pleads, eyes big and shocked. “I promised him I’d be there for him when he needed me. I promised him he didn’t have to be alone!”

She sighs but doesn’t fight him on it. Instead, she leads him to a new room in another wing. The door to the room is open wide and in sight from the nurses’ station, making it easy for the nurses to keep an eye out.

Niall’s curled up in the same position that Louis found him in that very first day. Louis’ never felt this heartbroken before in his life.

“Nialler,” he whispers and falls down on his knees by Niall’s head. Niall just squeezes his eyes closer together, so he won’t have to look at Louis.

“I’m sorry,” Niall chokes out. He’s shaking all over, and Louis spots blood where the wounds have bled through the bandages. He’s got stitches on his forehead, and big ugly bruises are forming.

“Look at me,” Louis says softly, but also with enough force behind his words to make Niall listen to him and do as asked. There’s so much hurt, so much pain in those eyes. “I won’t write on you, not right now. We need to keep everything clean, so it can heal up nicely and without trouble, yeah? I’ll write it right here,” Louis points to his own arm, the same place the bandages are covering Niall’s, “instead, but it’s all for you. It’s your word, Ni, and I’m just keeping it for you until It’s safe for you to have it. Okay?”

“Okay.”

After taking a deep breath, Louis finds the pen he’s always carrying by now. His handwriting is shaky and ugly, but it’s readable, so he turns his arm, so Niall is able to see. _Strong,_ it says. Niall’s breath hitches and the shaking just becomes worse. Little murmurs of the word no, over and over again. Louis just carefully grips Niall’s hand and holds it against his heart. It seems to calm Niall down at least just a little bit.

“Don’t leave,” Niall begs. “Please, don’t leave me.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” he promises. And he won’t. Not as long as Niall wants him there.

¤¤¤

_Needed._

_Cared for._

_Brave._

_Inspiring._

_Loveable._

Louis writes the words on his own skin. Keeps them for Niall, until the boy can have them on his own.

¤¤¤

Niall’s sleeping, but the sleep isn’t peaceful. Not once since the boy fell asleep has his grip on Louis’ hand loosened. Not that Louis plans to let go either way. He hasn’t left the hospital for days, and he knows how worried his mum is about him. He just can’t.

There’s a soft knock on the door, and through the glass Louis can see Liam and Harry. His mum must have told them where he was, and why he hasn’t been to school all week.

“Hey, Lou,” Harry says quietly, as the two enters the room.

He can’t help but think that he should feel bad. He’s basically abandoned his two best friends through the last… two weeks. Small two weeks. It feels like forever. Louis just feels numb, though.

“That’s your boy then?” Liam asks as they settle down in each their chair placed by the bed. He nods towards Niall, who’s curled into Louis side.

My boy, Louis thinks. Mine. Louis reckons that he could be. His to protect, and his to love. At the same time, though, then Niall isn’t anyone’s other than his own. As it should be. Even if he isn’t Louis’ then that doesn’t mean Louis can’t do those exact things anyway.

“I’m sorry I never said anything. Didn’t mean to leave you in the dark,” Louis says hoarsely. He hasn’t talked much these last couple of days. Mostly he’s just cuddled into Niall’s side, never leaving him out of sight for more than a minute at the time.

“It’s okay. Seems like he’s been needing you more.”

“Proud of you, Lou,” Harry whispers. “This can’t be the easiest thing in the world.

“It’s not. But he’s worth it.”

With hushed voices, Liam and Harry tell him everything he’s missed the last couple of days. Nothing exciting really, so Louis doesn’t feel all that bad about having skipped school in favour of being by Niall’s side. Probably wouldn’t have either way to be fair.

Louis feels a bit better for each moment passing, and he even finds himself laughing along whenever one of the boys say something funny. He’s missed them. Kinda needs them close to keep him sane too.

Eventually, Niall starts twisting in his arms, a sign that he’s close to waking up. The small whimper that leaves him, get all three boys’ attention, and Harry shuts up in the middle of a sentence.

“Nialler,” Louis coaxes and holds him a little closer. The whimper turns into a soft sigh, and Niall buries his face in Louis’ shirt. “I’ve got someone I’d like you to meet.”

“Huh?” Niall murmurs not making any sign of wanting to open his eyes. A lot of days have been like that, and Louis misses being able to see his eyes every second.

“Remember Harry and Liam. The idiot friends I told you about.” That makes Niall look up at Louis with dazed eyes. He then lets his eyes run over the room until they land on the two boys sitting beside the bed.

“Uh, hi?”

It clicks into place so easily. Harry has Niall choking on laughter within seconds, and shyly smiling at Liam when Liam introduces himself. It’s like Niall was meant to be right there with them. Louis hopes that Niall feels it too. Niall never eases up on the grip he has on Louis’ hand, but other than that, then he seems so comfortable.

It couldn’t possibly make Louis any happier to see.

¤¤¤

Niall watches him with tired eyes, as Louis scribbles down _stunning_ on his hand. Today hasn’t really been all that good of a day. Earlier that day Louis had been asked to leave, while Niall talked to a psychiatrist. Niall hasn’t told him what they talked about. Hasn’t really talked much at all since. It makes Louis’ stomach turn like something bad is about to happen.

“You make me seem fake,” Niall says suddenly. “Unreal.”

“How so?” Louis frowns and catches Niall’s eyes.

Niall bites down on his lip for a moment before answering. “You think of something, and then you write it. But you only write good things. You keep it pretty and light. What about the grey zones, and all the things that are nasty and dark? No one is only pretty and nice things. Especially not me.”

“There’s nothing nasty and dark about you, Niall,” Louis says, and turns the boy’s hand in his own. Removes the word for him to see. It doesn’t seem to make him feel any better today. “And you’re right. No one is only good things. It’s still things about you that are important, though. It’s so easy to focus on all the things that aren’t perfect, but it’s generally a lot harder for people, especially yourself, to see everything good.” He uses the pen to write a string of words. _Exhausted, lonely, insecure, guarded, scared._ “You’re all of these things too. Your grey zones. But you know all these already, don’t you? These are just some of the words I suspect you’d use to describe yourself. Would you use any of the words I’ve written on your skin so far?”

Niall just shrugs and doesn’t give an answer, which really is answer enough in itself. He takes the pen from Louis and writes down his own words. _Anxious, depressed, self-harm, suicidal._

“I’m still not a doll. I’m a real person. There’re the good things which you want to write, there’re the grey zones,” Niall lets his finger run over the list Louis just did, “and there’re the bad things.” He points to the four words he just wrote himself. “Unfortunately, it’s the bad parts that seem to actually mean something at the moment.”

It quiets Louis down for a long while. He then takes the pen back, and Niall easily lets him. He folds up the sleeve on his shirt and writes on the exposed skin there. “My teachers at school has always found me annoying and loud, to be the joker who does nothing to learn. Lazy and unfocused. My classmates find me fun but also at times selfish and mean. To my friends, I’m adventurous and mischievous, but also always there when they need me. To my family, I can be a bit of a menace, but I’m also protective and would do anything in the world for them if they asked. I can be kind, and my mum says I have a good heart. Personally, I know that I’m trying too hard because just like you then the world scares me and I’m insecure about myself. I’m a lot of things too.”

 _Annoying, loud, joker, lazy, unfocused, fun, selfish, mean, adventurous, mischievous, always there, menace, protective, kind, good-hearted, try-hard, scared, insecure._ Louis could probably keep adding words to the list. Some good, some bad. All a part of who he is.

“You just said, that I cannot pick out all the good things and ignore the rest. You’re right. A person is so much more than that. But you can’t take all the bad things either and turn the blind eye to all the good things. Some people only see the negative things about you. Some see all the good. Some are lucky enough to get to see everything.

“I’m not trying to dismiss a part of who you are,” Louis says, voice getting quieter. “I see those things as well. I know they’re there. I’m just trying to remind you of the things you tend to forget yourself. Because those are important too.”

“They want me to go to a mental health facility,” Niall blurts out then, finally letting on what’s bothering him. “That’s why the psychiatrist was here. They’re going to lock me away and pump my body full of happy pills. The foster care won’t take me back in after the stunt I pulled, and it’s hard to place someone who needs constant supervision. Everyone seems to think this is the best solution. They won’t let me have any visitors if that’s how it goes. Won’t tell me how long it’d be for either.”

Louis opens his mouth to say something, anything really, but eventually he has to close it once again when no words come over his lips. The rational side of Louis knows that this is for the best, that Niall can get the help he needs like this in a way he can’t at the hospital. And there’s nothing Louis wants more than for Niall to feel better about himself and about everything. The selfish side of him, though, can’t help but loudly scream that no, Niall needs to stay with him. Not because it’s the best thing for Niall, but because Louis can’t handle the thought of not being close to him. Suppose that maybe the word selfish should be severely underlined on his skin.

“Do you get a choice?” he carefully ends up asking.

“Either I go now by choice, or there won’t be a choice the next time I end up here. If I survive that long. That’s pretty much what I was told. I’m too far down to get there without help. I don’t even believe myself that I could.”

“And you’ll go?” Because that’s the real question here, isn’t it? If Niall is actually going to take the help offered to him, no matter how little he wants to.

Niall shrugs a little, looking so lost himself. “I don’t know. I wanted to talk to you about it before I made a decision. I won’t be able to see you, Lou. I don’t know if I can handle that.”

It’s easy making up his mind them. The selfishness can’t win. He can’t be the reason that Niall won’t get better. Can’t be the reason he might end up taking his own life.

“You can. I believe in you so, so much. Don’t ever stop thinking that. Alright?” And then he seals it with those words he wants to hear so little himself. “I think you should take the offer, Ni.”

“Okay,” Niall whispers.

¤¤¤

Louis writes down words every day. Word after word that’s all for Niall, even if Niall isn’t there to see them anymore. Louis will give them to him as soon as he’s out again though, so it doesn’t matter that he won’t see them now. He remembers to not only write the pretty words as well. Writes down the less pretty ones, because Niall’s right. Those words are a part of him too.

When he runs out of single words to write down, he starts writing songs. Some he writes on his own, and some he’s got Harry and Liam helping along with.

The days are long, but about a week in Niall calls Louis having gotten the go to use the phone. They talk for hours, about everything, and at the same time about nothing at all. It becomes easier after that, now that Louis can talk to him for hours every week.

By the two-month mark, Louis has got a journal filled up with words and songs. It’s got Niall’s name written on the front page because all of it belongs to him.

¤¤¤

Niall gets out on a Monday morning. Louis is supposed to be at school, but instead, he’s stumbling over his own feet, nervously pacing back and forth as he’s waiting for the last loose ends to be tied up, so Niall can come be right beside him. Hopefully, he’ll never have to leave again.

His mum is there too, sitting on a chair in the waiting area. Apparently, he hadn’t been allowed to come here on his own, but in a way, he’s grateful to have her there with him.

He sees Niall’s social worker before he sees Niall himself. She’s a nice enough woman, Louis has learned, who only wants what’s best for Niall. Maybe that’s who she allowed Niall to stay with Louis until the right family had been found for him. Somewhere secure with people that cared for him in a way the last place hadn’t.  

Niall takes Louis’ breath away. Every single part of him. He looks tired still, but the bone-deep exhaustion seems to have left him. There’s colour in his face, and a smile showing up on his face when he notices Louis right there waiting for him. Compared to the last time he saw him then he looks so healthy and good.

Louis knows that not everything is solved yet, and that there’s still so much work left for Niall and that it won’t always be easy. For neither of them. What he sees though, gives him so much hope for a future where that smile will be on his face all the time like it’s the most natural thing in the world. It should be, and Louis thinks that one day it will.

Niall writes the word on his own skin after finally reading through the journal Louis wrote for him. He’s been curled up into Louis side ever since they were reunited earlier in the day, head resting on Louis’ shoulder as Louis softly hummed the melodies every time Niall found a page with song lyrics. Louis has been fiddling with a pen, so used to always having one by hand by now that it’s a hard habit to break.

A bit hesitantly Niall closes the journal and takes the pen from Louis’ hands.

 _Loved,_ he writes on his own arm, looking up at Louis with the question so obvious is his eyes.

“So fucking loved,” Louis confirms, never having meant anything so much in his life.


End file.
